Mid-season Report on Mid-season Reports

The first half of the season is over. So, for some reason, everyone wants to put together their mid-season report cards.

Mid-season reports are as insane and worthless as pre-season predictions.  Does Punxsutawney Phil come tell us how the transition from spring to winter is going, months after he told us we had to freeze our asses off another 6 weeks?  No.  So I don’t need to hear everyone talk about the “silver lining” in the storm cloud over the Orioles.

So here’s our report card on mid-season report cards.  Enjoy.

Schmuck #1

Obviously O’s-centric.  Player by player though?  Is that really necessary?  It’s fairly plain to see who’s fat (Wigginton and Sherrill), who’s old (Melvin and Zaun), and who’s awesome (Reimold and Wieters).  Getting into who is fatter, older, and awesomer is really unnecessary.

Grade – D

Schmuck #2

Okay, Pete. You did a team breakdown instead of player by player…touché.  I was too drained after reading a report on every player, though, to read your next report card.  You get downgraded for the amount of work the reader has to do.

Grade – F

Roch #1

First problem is: you talk about things you do at your house way too often.  We’re here to read get infuriated by your mid-season report card.  Get to it already.

Here’s where you lose me:  that’s a really long list of stuff to read and it’s all good stuff.  We’re not a good team and you are giving people false hope.

What can you expect from a guy who gets paid by an Angelos though, right?

Grade – C

Roch #2

Several hours later, Roch threw up another blog about all the bad stuff the O’s did this season.  You get an F for rubbing it in and an F for tardiness but since you dropped Old Mill’s name, I’ll bump you up to a D.

By the way, the reason you almost blew up the lab is because you weren’t using the Malek Method.

Grade – D

Paul Folk from Orioles Hangout

It’s hard to get excited to read something that looks like a wall of text from some dude in a forum.  Not to mention this: “When Rich Hill starts at Camden Yards, great things happen. For the Orioles, if not so much for Hill. So make sure to buy tickets next time you see his name on the schedule!” Are you getting paid by Angelos, too?  Read that whole graf and tell me it’s not the most convoluted way to say how shitty a player is.  Just be blunt.  Like this:

Rich Hill – he sucks.  No letter grade.  He throws a straight BP fastball and hitters just wait to mash the curve out of the park.  Done.

Grade – F

“Nasty” Nester Aparicio

He tweeted that he was going to do a mid-season report card, but I didn’t see anything in writing on his site.  He must have done it on air, and thus, no one heard it.

In all fairness though, he probably spent the whole time he was supposed to be grading the O’s praising himself for how accurate his predictions were…and how great his haircut is.  Note – Spiked hair is cool if you are 8 or heavy into punk rock.

Grade – Incomplete

Danny Knobler – CBS

Danny starts his report with “It’s not fair to judge the Orioles on wins and losses…” Then why did you?  You gave us two C’s and a D.  But that’s based on the same scale that you judge all the other teams, and you said yourself, that’s not fair.  The only reason you didn’t get an F after that really misleading intro is because you didn’t add to the shit pile that other national writers have shoveled on us.

Grade – D

Moral of the story is, when you have a shitty team that everyone thought would be shitty…be brief, don’t sugar coat it, but don’t pile on either. Don’t say things that contradict each other. Basically, just hope the time between now and contention flies by without drawing attention to how bad the Orioles are.  You all failed.

~Kevin Lomax

2 Comments

Filed under General Posts

2 responses to “Mid-season Report on Mid-season Reports

  1. oriolesmagic

    How’s this?

    The Orioles Mid-Season Report Card
    ———————————————-
    The Orioles have had 11 losing seasons. This year will be 12. However, the fans and Oriole management knew this year would suck.

    Oriole fans are excited about the young up-and-comers and are hoping next year is different with a better pitching staff. Until then, fans want to see fundamentals drastically improved, but they aren’t holding their breath.

  2. Hahaha, Great stuff as always guys. You should’ve put together a report card!

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