It was a cold and dreary night in Birdland and the city was under attack from an enemy to the north and his army of followers. The super villain, Captain Jeterus, was executing his plan to flawless perfection by weakly hitting the citizens of Birdland over and over again. Not strong enough to actually hurt because of his lack of power, Jeterus chose to dink and dunk Birdlandians into an annoyingly soft submission. It doesn’t take much these days as the metropolis is full of despair after decades of failure in protecting itself from the two evil empires of the north. Hungering for help and thirsting for a hero, everyone in Birdland is on their last breath waiting to be saved. A few have stepped up to join the fight, somewhat heroically, but soon learn that they cannot do it themselves. Birdland is too far gone, too downtrodden and fractured to be saved by just one man. In making one final push to save all those who call Birdland home and believe in the thought of good over evil, these are the stories of those men:
Sirens blaring and lights flashing, Birdland Police respond to yet another call of citizens being held captive by the evil Captain Jeterus. Bound and held against their will in a barren warehouse, Jeterus takes great pleasure in his abilities to throw what experts call “inside out punches” with the greatest of ease. Packing the power and punch of a watered down Bartles & James, he swings with all his might over and over again until you are so devastatingly pissed off at your inability to stop it that it crushes your spirit and in a zombie-like state you take your own life.
The Police are powerless to his abuse as well since he is protected and cheered by a legion of out of town supporters who are impossibly difficult to understand due to alcohol slurred, unintelligible accents and a desire to do anything to protect his honor (and I do mean ANYTHING). They follow him around blindly, doing his bidding and being increasingly douchetastic along the way.
Hearing the sirens blaring down the streets of his beloved Birdland, Mr. Gutsy rises from a deep sleep. He can feel the presence of a northern intruder and more importantly he can smell his followers from miles away. He quickly dons his black and orange spandex suit and hops on his converted bicycle to offer his assistance. As he pedals closer and closer towards the evil doers he follows the stench of Jager Bombs and hair gel until he arrives at the warehouse. It is surrounded by an army of Jeterus minions who are hell bent on keeping the Cops, and especially Mr. Gutsy away from their beloved leader. Gutsy must quickly come up with a plan to get past the blood thirsty guardians and make his way up the stairs to confront Jeterus in a battle of epic proportions. After thinking for about 3 seconds Mr. Gutsy, knowing their biggest weakness, approaches one of the guardians and strikes up a conversation:
“Hello my good man,” Gutsy starts. The puzzled minion stares blankly back at Mr. Gutsy before responding, “You mad bro? Step back kid before you wrinkle my white tee. I spent hours on this perfect gel job bro, and if you mess my hair we’re gonna have a problem.” “Mad? In no way my good friend, I just wanted to tell you the great news,” replied Gutsy. “Great news?” said the puzzled man. “Yes” replied Gutsy, “the tanning salon down the street is offering 30 free minutes of tanning to anyone that can get there in 5 minutes!” The guardian’s eyes opened wider than Gutsy had ever seen before as he yelled out, “Damn kid those is a good deal. 30 minutes is almost as good as a half hour bros! Let’s hit it!”
As the minions fight to get to the salon first, Gutsy makes his way up the stairwells of the warehouse, following the tortured gasps of boredom being let out by those held hostage by Captain Jeterus. As he reaches the room where they are being held, Jeterus turns his attention to the approaching hero. “You’re no match for me Gutsy!” he yells as he starts to pound on Gutsy’s chest with the force of a single snowflake. Mr. Gutsy laughs at the attempts of evil Captain Jeterus. You see, Gutsy is invincible to all powers possessed by super villains. Although he does occasionally stub a toe or get a blister, he is largely unaffected by any known powers that the evil ones hold. Knowing that he is unharmed by the powers of Jeterus, Gutsy openly mocks him for being unable to travel more than three steps in any direction at one time. This makes Jeterus very angry and he attempts to circumvent his lack of mobility by jumping through the air to create the illusion he is gliding and therefore covering more ground. Mr. Gutsy has had enough of the Captains annoying and overrated attempts and begins bringing down fire and destruction onto Jeterus. Having successfully outsmarted (not that it was difficult) the followers of Captain Jeterus there was no one there to save him from the onslaught of beatings that Mr. Gutsy was delivering.
Just as Mr. Gutsy is ready to vanquish Captain Jeterus once and for all with his Bomb of Justice, a phone starts ringing to the tune of a Justin Bieber song. Gutsy smiles as he sings along and asks one of the hostages to hold his bomb while he answers his cell phone. Mid greeting, Gutsy turns to realize he did not hand over his Bomb of Justice to an innocent bystander but instead to the evil A-Roid, villain and ally of Captain Jeterus. The hostages look on and hang their head as A-Roid uses the Bomb of Justice against Mr. Gutsy and sends the whole warehouse up in flames as he and Jeterus make a narrow getaway. Birdland citizens shake their head in disbelief but are not completely shocked as this has happened countless times before. Mr. Gutsy, so close to victory has inadvertently handed over his Bomb of Justice to his adversaries at an alarming rate. It is cause for concern but the situation is always made worse because he is left to fight alone and doesn’t get any support from any other super heros inhabiting Birdland.
As the hostages file out, happy to be free from the terrors of A-Roid and Jeterus they are also saddened because they know it is only temporary. A chance to defeat them and stop their pillaging of Birdland for good was squandered. As Gutsy lay there surrounded by flaming wreckage and feeling sorrow for those he could not free, he is approached by a sneaky young man small in stature and wearing his hat slightly cocked to the side and flat brimmed. “It’s cool baby, you’re the greatest. We’re gonna get ‘em next time, fo sho’” the man said. “My name’s Lil Dino, and you look like you could use a sidekick my dude.” Broken and shamed, Mr. Gutsy thanks Lil Dino for his help but respectfully declines his offer, “I don’t deserve a sidekick, I can’t even defeat the Feather Fisted Wonder, Captain Jeterus.” “Nah homey, you’re the man. I got you son. Let’s get you back to your bike and get you home to your lair.”
Lil Dino helps Mr. Gutsy off into the streets of Birdland. Every street corner they pass, Dino yells out “Catch my man Gutsy, he’s the greatest!” This continues about 32 blocks until they, and Dino’s voice, fade off into the night.
To be continued….
Story by Eutaw Street Hooligans Written by Jjaks Clayton Illustrations by Jjaks Clayton