Monthly Archives: July 2009

Minor League Hecklers

We were in attendance for Brian Matusz start in Bowie Monday night.It was mustache night, so as we strolled in with half price tickets for having completely badass ‘staches the night was full of excitement. We made our way down to our seats by the dugout, walking confidently past the tens of people there to support the O’s AA affiliate. Our second row tickets put us right behind a few Baysox season ticket holders, which I didn’t even know existed.

That is when things went crazy, real crazy. We weren’t the only hecklers in attendance, we had competition. And since these guys were regulars they had no problem schmoozing with the staff at Prince Georges Stadium. An epic battle of one-upsmanship was about to ensue, I could feel the excitement building. O's Face

They struck the first blow, and we were speechless. For the first time in my heckling career I was embarrassed to be a heckler. These guys were awful. We were at a AA game and they needed to be sent back the instructional league. They used the same heckle for every player. You gotta learn to mix up your pitches fellas. Asking every player that can hear you why they haven’t gotten the call up yet is totally weak.

Almost as entertaining as these fools attempting to heckle was to hear their talks about baseball in general. Ranging from Halladay (“give up the farm”, and by farm I mean “whoever they want no matter what if you are the Phillies”) to basing predictions on careers of major leaguers on 100 minor league at bats. Sample size? Don’t waste your time with that nonsense. I sat in my seat and not a heckle left my mouth the entire night. I was dumbfounded with every word these guys uttered. I guess I expected more but instead I got proof that even hecklers need to go through the ranks and work their way up to the show. I heard one of them say that they may make the trip to OPACY to see Tillman Wednesday. I’ll be there and I’m letting you know now, you are fair game to be heckled yourself.  This is the big leagues son, you have to come correct. And you are not worthy of a September call up, let alone a jump straight from AA in July.Not Rich Hill

I have to give them credit for one thing though. They were at the game and they clearly love their team which is the most important part. But next time, leave your glove at home…

~Jjaks Clayton

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Heckler’s Guide addition: What to Wear.

Mr. Clayton was gracious enough to post our Hecklers Guide last month.  In it, he gave you soon to be shit-talkers a pretty good run down on the heckling basics.  Our guest blogger, Bob Arctor, is going to dive a little deeper into one trait that makes a good heckler…being able to spot a phony.  Enjoy.

Do: Wear a jersey.

Any current jersey will do…Markakis #21, Jones #10, Roberts #1 those all work. Hell, even something for the opposing team will work; If you want to show your support for the visiting team, by all means, go for it.  Just make sure it is a jersey for the opposing team and not a team that’s not even playing that night.  Throwbacks are okay…Murray #33, Palmer #22, Ripken #8.  These are great at saying, “Look, we suck.  But we didn’t always.”  Even funny jerseys are good, Angelos #666, A-Roid #13, etc.

All of these show support and leave little doubt as to your loyalty to your team. When headed to the yard, throw these on with pride and know that you are dressed to impress.

Do Not: Wear a jersey of a former player who is not old enough (read: good enough) to warrant a “throwback” jersey.

Wearing these jerseys are a sure sign that either A.) You are not a real fan or B.) You think that everything you wear, you can make look good.

I know everyone everywhere has seen a jersey of a former player that makes you say, “Really? Of anyone you could have picked, him?” For example a #21 Sosa jersey, #10 Tejada Jersey, or #27 Hendrickson jersey (he may still play for us though, but he shouldn’t). Sure you spent good money on those jerseys.

For me personally; I’ll be damned if I am going to spend good money on a jersey of a player that will only be here for another year or two and then sell their soul to the Yankees to win a championship for 20 bazillion dollars a year, (how’s that work for you Mike Mussina?)

Fret not fellow baseball fans, there are places where you can take these jerseys that will re stitch them with whatever you want on them, so go and turn those jerseys into something that you can wear with pride when you go to the yard.

Do: Wear a Hat

I will maintain that a well fitting, official baseball hat is one of the greatest things in the world. Personally I have over 10 Orioles hats that I have in my rotation. Even some of the “relaxed fit” hats are good too. They are comfy on the head and still show your support. Lest we forget the reason for the hat; to protect your head from the damaging rays that are sent down from the sun and keep sweat out of your eyes.  The hat is just a wonderful thing.  It even blocks the terrible faces of Red Sox fans.

All in all the New Era 59-50 is a great product. (If anyone from New Era is reading this, please feel free to send me some of your wonderful product for the glowing review, and do not read any further.)

Do Not: Wear a Stupid Hat

hwl

hwl3

hwl2

Ladies and gentlemen for some odd reason hats are being created that look like this (yes those are little watermelons on the hat).

Look, as I have mentioned, I love me some me hats.  But these are absolutely terrible. Baseball hats are supposed to be for fans who want to wear a hat to a game or just out and about that professes the love for their team. They are not supposed to match your equally as terrible Yellow and Aquamarine Texas Rangers shirt.

Also falling into this category is the oversize hat. It seems like New Era has a whole line of hats made specifically for Kevin Mench. Can you just have your store carry normal hats that will fit normal people? Is that too much to ask?

Anyway, hopefully this oversize mismatched color phase will pass.

Do: Go Shirtless to Spell Something out

This is only for the ladies who want to show their support for their team, because lets face it, nothing is cooler than a girl who loves sports just as much as we do.

Do Not: Go Shirtless to Spell Something Out

70 Super Fans

This is for the guys who basically look like me, because face it, no girl who loves sports is going to like a guy like me…I mean you.

And finally the biggest no-no to do at a baseball game….

(drum roll)

Do Not: Wear a Full Uniform to a Game

sox2

Who is this guy, Mike Lowell?

enough said…

Now please excuse me I have to get my Jeff Reboulet jersey ready for when the O’s come back to town.

~Bob Arctor

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Matusz

ESH will be in Bowie tonight because well, minor leaguers need to be heckled too.  Come join us and watch our boy, Brian Matooooooos pitch tonight.

Prodigy~ Jjaks Clayton

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What’s the Big Deal?

So as most sports fans know, some dude cut a peep hole into Erin Andrews hotel room and video taped her changing.

I understand it’s creepy.  I understand it’s illegal.  I understand that most dudes would totally download that and probably already have.

What I don’t understand is why this is a much bigger deal than any other celebrity who get’s their privacy invaded.  Tabloids are filled to the brim with celebs who are caught naked on their balcony or on a beach they thought was private.  Whether they welcome the tabloid attention or not, is a discussion far to lengthy for a blog post.

And if you boil it all down to the most basic level, what really happened?  Someone had their privacy invaded.  What’s the difference with people photographing a celebrity’s child or ambushing them while their shopping?  Sure their naked body isn’t being posted on the internet but it’s still an invasion of privacy.

On all the sports blogs (who have shamelessly used her smokin-hot naked body to get an increase in traffic) the authors are totally flipping out about it.  Again, I understand it’s wrong…but no more wrong than posting a picture of Paris Hilton’s snatch as she gets out of a limo.

Here’s my advice for you folks who are losing their shit over this.  Either:

  • Start a revolution to destroy the hero-worship, celebrity fixated, 15 minutes of fame seeking society. (My vote)

OR

  • Deal with it.  Understand that she was fully aware of the risk she took when she decided to become an on-camera talent and thus a celebrity

I really hope this post drives some more traffic to our site.

~Kevin Lomax

PS – I’m shippin up to Boston, whoa ohhh ohhhhhh.  Seriously though, I’ll be at the game Saturday so if anyone else is there, drop a line in the comments and we can meet up and grab a Natty Boh before the game.  I’ll post an update after the trip.

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The Closer

Let me start by saying that I believe the whole position of closer is vastly overrated, like Dane Cook. Just about any good pitcher in the bullpen can do the same job if given the opportunity and for that matter any pitcher in the bullpen should kick Dane Cook’s ass, really he is annoying and only 12 year old girls find him funny…oh yeah, and Red Sox fans. Back to the point of this post, Dane Cook sucks.

The Orioles have a closer named George Sherill, he wears a hat with a flat brim and has pitched very well this year on those rare occasions when the O’s have the lead in the 9th inning. He should be traded, absolutely. He should have been traded last year, and he should be traded this year. He should probably be traded next year also. He should be traded on the NYSE. Squeeze what you can out of unsuspecting GM’s. They will overpay for a closer. No reason we shouldn’t get a decent haul for Georgie.

All that being said, there is an exception to the closer rule.  Brian Wilson of the Giants.  I would trade our starting lineup for this guy based on hair style alone (half mohawk + half mullet = badass).  If only the rest of the Beach Boys were this awesome.

Its the Mull-Hawk~ Jjaks Clayton

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Mid-season Report on Mid-season Reports

The first half of the season is over. So, for some reason, everyone wants to put together their mid-season report cards.

Mid-season reports are as insane and worthless as pre-season predictions.  Does Punxsutawney Phil come tell us how the transition from spring to winter is going, months after he told us we had to freeze our asses off another 6 weeks?  No.  So I don’t need to hear everyone talk about the “silver lining” in the storm cloud over the Orioles.

So here’s our report card on mid-season report cards.  Enjoy.

Schmuck #1

Obviously O’s-centric.  Player by player though?  Is that really necessary?  It’s fairly plain to see who’s fat (Wigginton and Sherrill), who’s old (Melvin and Zaun), and who’s awesome (Reimold and Wieters).  Getting into who is fatter, older, and awesomer is really unnecessary.

Grade – D

Schmuck #2

Okay, Pete. You did a team breakdown instead of player by player…touché.  I was too drained after reading a report on every player, though, to read your next report card.  You get downgraded for the amount of work the reader has to do.

Grade – F

Roch #1

First problem is: you talk about things you do at your house way too often.  We’re here to read get infuriated by your mid-season report card.  Get to it already.

Here’s where you lose me:  that’s a really long list of stuff to read and it’s all good stuff.  We’re not a good team and you are giving people false hope.

What can you expect from a guy who gets paid by an Angelos though, right?

Grade – C

Roch #2

Several hours later, Roch threw up another blog about all the bad stuff the O’s did this season.  You get an F for rubbing it in and an F for tardiness but since you dropped Old Mill’s name, I’ll bump you up to a D.

By the way, the reason you almost blew up the lab is because you weren’t using the Malek Method.

Grade – D

Paul Folk from Orioles Hangout

It’s hard to get excited to read something that looks like a wall of text from some dude in a forum.  Not to mention this: “When Rich Hill starts at Camden Yards, great things happen. For the Orioles, if not so much for Hill. So make sure to buy tickets next time you see his name on the schedule!” Are you getting paid by Angelos, too?  Read that whole graf and tell me it’s not the most convoluted way to say how shitty a player is.  Just be blunt.  Like this:

Rich Hill – he sucks.  No letter grade.  He throws a straight BP fastball and hitters just wait to mash the curve out of the park.  Done.

Grade – F

“Nasty” Nester Aparicio

He tweeted that he was going to do a mid-season report card, but I didn’t see anything in writing on his site.  He must have done it on air, and thus, no one heard it.

In all fairness though, he probably spent the whole time he was supposed to be grading the O’s praising himself for how accurate his predictions were…and how great his haircut is.  Note – Spiked hair is cool if you are 8 or heavy into punk rock.

Grade – Incomplete

Danny Knobler – CBS

Danny starts his report with “It’s not fair to judge the Orioles on wins and losses…” Then why did you?  You gave us two C’s and a D.  But that’s based on the same scale that you judge all the other teams, and you said yourself, that’s not fair.  The only reason you didn’t get an F after that really misleading intro is because you didn’t add to the shit pile that other national writers have shoveled on us.

Grade – D

Moral of the story is, when you have a shitty team that everyone thought would be shitty…be brief, don’t sugar coat it, but don’t pile on either. Don’t say things that contradict each other. Basically, just hope the time between now and contention flies by without drawing attention to how bad the Orioles are.  You all failed.

~Kevin Lomax

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Home Run Derby

Remember when the Home Run Derby didn’t suck?  Is it just me, or is it impossible to watch?  Let’s just say if I had to choose between watching the derby or any Vin Diesel flick then I would hate my life.  I remember back in my younger years when it was exciting to watch and it was awesome.  Now it has become boring and stale so I’m going to fix it.  Listen up MLB/ESPN because as always, I am here to help.

  1. No more Brandon Inges. I don’t want to see an 0  for in the Home Run Derby.    In fact I don’t care if the guys who participate in it are even All Stars.  Give me Adam Dunn, Mark Reynolds, Russel Branyan and the biggest mashers you can find.Wieters taking BP
  2. No more “Swing Off”. All it does is tire out the competitors.  Biggest bomb advances, thats what we’re here to see anyway.
  3. Shorten It. This thing lasts longer than Hanukkah.  I don’t need to see a concert on the field, especially by whoever that was on Monday.  I also don’t need to see Albert Pujols take 43 pitches trying to win some guy a car.  Let the guy hit the ball from home, go pick it up and hit it again from where it landed.  If it goes out he wins.  If not, he can play for the Natinals.
  4. Get rid of Chris Berman. This goes for any broadcast, not just the derby.  But this is even worse because he feels as if he has free rein to ramble on and on using terrible nicknames.  How does someone get such a high profile job in sports without knowing anything about sports?  It’s like letting Helen Keller teach Spanish.

That is it.  My new Home Run Derby.  Enjoy.

~ Jjaks Clayton

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