Who the Fuck is Ron Fritz?

In what can only be described as one of the most cockamamie ideas in Baltimore history, Ron Fritz spews out some really awful drivel.

As baseball’s Winter Meetings approach and the Orioles begin looking to upgrade their roster, they need to do something bold to build on the buzz created by hiring Buck Showalter.

Like sign good players to help us a win some games!  Great idea.

They need to sign Derek Jeter.

FUCK ME!

The Orioles have many holes — first base, third base, veteran starting pitching and the bullpen. But they also need a shortstop. More importantly, they need a leader.

Nope.  They don’t need one.  They have Buck.  Brian and Nick are stepping up their leadership roles.  We do not need to spend more than 60 million dollars on a leader.  We could spend a couple of grand to have the guy from 127 Hours speak for the team in the club house.

They need Derek Jeter.

They definitely don’t need him.

Sure, he’s 36 and will turn 37 during the 2011 season. But he’s durable, playing at least 150 games the past seven seasons. His batting average fell from .334 to .270 and his home run total dropped by eight to just 10.

Writing tip #34767 – Don’t say things that refute your argument.

But he drove in 67 runs

With a crazy prolific line-up.  They had a team average OBP of .350.  Also, who fucking gives a shit about RBI’s besides old ass “purists”?

and won a Gold Glove.

Right because Gold Glove is the most non-biased award given in baseball.  You really fucking irritate me Ron.

He’s no Cesar Izturis defensively, but he’s solid and his hitting numbers crush those of Izturis.

ANYONE’S NUMBERS CRUSH IZZY!!!!  He was the worst hitter in all of baseball last year.  That’s not hyperbole.  He was worth less than a replacement player at -.4 WAR.  I’m sure that last sentence looks like gibberish to you.

Me:  You know what WAR is right, Ron?

Ron:  What is WAR?  What is it good for?  Absolutely NOTHIN!  HAHA. In your face!  All I care about is gritty, leadershipness.

Jeter also would bring five World Series titles, command respect in the locker room and show a young Orioles team how to play the game. The future Hall of Famer is 74 hits from 3,000. If there is one thing the Orioles do well, it’s milestone ceremonies.

I think you might have something here though.  Andy’s biggest weakness is clearly is inability to wine and dine potential free agents.  But, if he just told them about how well we throw milestone ceremonies, he might increase is closing average.  Genius.  I sure hope Regis Stanczak is still trolling the internet looking for great ideas, cause this one is a fucking gem!

If the Yankees are willing to let Jeter test the free-agency market, then the Orioles should be there with an offer, somewhere in the four-year, $60 million range. Really, whatever it takes.

That’s pretty much what he turned down.  That’s a fucking-lot for a motivator.

Ask Cal Ripken Jr. to help recruit him.

Why?  It’s not his job.  Cal isn’t Ray Lewis trying to get Boldin or TO to play for the Ravens.  Cal is busy being an absolutely badass/dreamboat.

And then, because you have a shortstop who does more than hit singles, you can maybe re-sign Ty Wigginton to play third or first and still be able to spend decent money for another corner infielder.

86% of Izzy’s hits were singles.  Jeter literally crushes him by a whole 10%.  That’s what an extra 55 mil is worth.  10% more extra base hits?  I literally don’ t know what else to say to you Ron.

It would be a PR disaster for the Yankees,

Here, I agree with you.  It would be hilarious.

it would hurt them on the field

No it wouldn’t.  The Yankees are a blank check away from any player they want.  The only thing that keeps the Yankees from getting players is when players actually hate the Yankees like we do (Unless you’re Johnny Damon).  And, as you pointed out, he’s really declining with age.  So they’ll just get someone better.

and maybe, just maybe, his signing would send a signal to other free agents that Baltimore is a great place to play.

Why would that be the case?  What if he came here and was like, “Fuck…I really messed this one up.”

Imagine Showalter and Ripken holding a No. 2 Orioles jersey with Jeter on the back as they announce the signing.

Why is Ripken there again?

They couldn’t print tickets fast enough at Camden Yards.

Yes, they could.  They have plenty left over from last year.  Peter has his paralegals hand cross out the dates and repurpose them.  He’s a dastardly man.

Yeah, I know he’s a Yankee, and Orioles fans hate the Yankees.

He’s not just any Yankee.  He’s Mr. Yankee.  The face of the franchise.  The sheer embodiment of the biased, cock sucking that goes on with mainstream sports pundits.  If you wanted to burn the Yankee’s in effigy, the stuffed doll would surely be wearing a number 2 jersey.

But they hate losing even more.

I’m kind of used to it.  I like being able to sit wherever I want and walk up to the ticket window at a whim for a game.

What better way to end years of futility than signing one of the all-time great leaders and winners in the sport?

Yeah, bring back all the idiot fans that stopped watching by signing a name like Jeter.  That’s what we want.  A stadium full of Ron Fitz’s.  Baseball isn’t a game won and lost by one guy.  He’s a winner because he’s a good ball player that plays on a team, year in and year out, stock full of some of the best in the game.

Would he consider playing for the Orioles?

No.  Seriously, consider the question you are asking.  Would a “winner” like Jeter leave the bright lights of New York for Baltimore?  I love this city, but it’s not for everyone.  Certainly not a guy used to dating actresses and super-models.

Would a “winner” like Jeter really leave a team that almost is guaranteed a spot in the play offs for a team that hasn’t broken .500 in over 10 years?  Are you fucking serious?

It’s time to find out.

The Orioles need to sign Derek Jeter.

FUCK YOU!

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1 Comment

Filed under General Posts

One response to “Who the Fuck is Ron Fritz?

  1. I always wondered if Murray Chass had a nom de plume he used in other cities. In Pittsburgh, it’s Bob Smizik. Here, it’s apparently Ron Fritz.

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