Bryce Harper: Phenom…enal douchebag

By now I’m sure you’ve heard of Bryce Harper. He was on the cover of Sports Illustrated at 16 years old as the “LeBron James” of baseball. He famously dropped out of high school, obtained his GED and attended JuCo early in order to be eligible for the MLB draft early. He was then taken 1st overall in the 2010 draft and has been touted as a once in a generation type of talent and possibly one of the best power hitting prospects of all time. Something else you probably already know… Bryce Harper is a bag of douche the size of several Wiggin-tons.

I will admit, the initial reports coming out about Harper around the time of the draft were already chock full o’ warning signs. Kevin Goldstein was once quoted as saying:

“It’s impossible to find any talent evaluator who isn’t blown away by Harper’s ability on the field, but it’s equally difficult to find one who doesn’t genuinely dislike the kid. One scout called him among the worst amateur players he’s ever seen from a makeup standpoint, with top-of-the-scale arrogance, a disturbingly large sense of entitlement, and on-field behavior that includes taunting opponents. “He’s just a bad, bad guy,” said one front-office official. “He’s basically the anti-Joe Mauer.”

People defended him because well…he’s fucking 17 years old. They talked about everyone being an asshole when they were young, saying it was unreasonable for someone of his talent level to be more mature than anyone else would be at that age. Hearing all of that, I remember what I was like at 17. I was arrogant, cocky, self entitled, and I had a  giant chip on my shoulder…daring anyone to knock it off. 10 years later? I’m exactly the fucking same, and you can bet your ass he will be too. It’s a well known fact that most of us males are done growing up at 17, that’s pretty much who we are going to be forever. So you can say I had a natural reaction to reading about Bryce’s behavior and his on field antics. I thought it was hilarious.

After all the rumors about his attitude and behavior, the first telltale signs that went public were in his appearance.


Bryce Harper wears eye black that makes him look like he is going to suit up for the WWE as a new age member of the Legion of Doom. At this point, I’m still onboard. Nothing bores me more than these cookie cutter drones everyone wants to see baseball players be. We want them all to look the same, act the same, speak the same… I hate it. I was looking forward to a baseball player with some flare and some character. I will just say it is no coincidence that my favorite NFL player is Chad Ochocinco. Chad never takes himself seriously, everything he says is meant as a joke, and he has a lot fun all of the time. I was hoping Bryce Harper might be something similar.


A faux hawk? Really dude? You might as well stamp “Douchebag” on your forehead wearing that thing around. It’s not even a good faux hawk at that, it somehow looks worse than your garden variety Euro soccer player faux hawk. The guy even has the balls to walk around calling that atrocity a “mohawk”. That is not a mohawk my friend. I know, because I am just douchey enough to have rocked real mohawks as recently as 2 years ago. All of that said, I will still even cut him some slack here. After all, my little brother has a faux… and I can’t exactly hate him. Can I?

Then there was this video of him showing up the other team with a serious bat flip, a stare down of the opposing pitcher, and a salute to the other team as he rounded third. All in the same at bat! Fuck, that’s awesome!

This actually gained him some serious points with me. This is the kind of stuff I was hoping to see. A player who will bring some color, a guy with some flare, and a guy who will make a bunch of stiffs come out of their shell a bit, even if it is in anger. I realize I am in the minority at this point, most people hopped on the Hate On Bryce Harper Bandwagon here. Not me though, I laughed quite a bit at this video and was hoping to see more. I got my wish.

This would end up being the last game of JuCo baseball Bryce Harper would play. Once again, I laughed at the video. I found it entertaining and funny that Harper used a creative way to show the umpire how awful his call was, because it WAS awful. Good old baseball boys be damned, I like to see players with some swagger. It may have something to do with my own behavior in athletic competition, as some of my fellow hooligans can probably attest. I misbehave quite a bit on the slow pitch softball stage, and since that’s pretty much equivalent to The Show I think the comparison is valid. It’s fair to say, I’m still defending Bryce Harper at this point and I think I may have been the only one left. Then disaster struck in the form of Bryce Harper’s vocal chords.

On a D.C. radio show, Bryce was answering sports related questions and was asked to name his favorite teams in each sport. His list contained only what can be described as the most epic collection of bandwagon front-running teams ever. His favorite NFL team? The Dallas Cowboys. NBA? Los Angeles Lakers. College Football? Texas. College Basketball? Duke. Bryce was not shy about his reasoning either, saying “he always like the best teams”. He even went as far as to say part of the reason he liked the Cowboys was that they were “pretty”. The closest team he chose in proximity to his hometown of Las Vegas is 240 miles away. His answer to this question is already despicable, and enough for me to stop liking him altogether, but I’ve left out the real blower…

Bryce Harper’s favorite Major League Baseball Team? He must have said The Washington Nationals immediately right? Since you know, they drafted him and gave him millions of dollars. It would only be right, right?

The Motherfucking New York Yankees.

There’s no one left to defend him now, because I’ve joined everyone else on the wagon.

I hate Bryce Harper.



Filed under General Posts

8 responses to “Bryce Harper: Phenom…enal douchebag

  1. Jerry

    That fucker is too good for his own well being…

  2. Duggan

    Well said Sir.

  3. ralph

    I like how you took shots at yourself, touche

  4. And I’m sure he would hate you if he was as much of a jealous dick as you.

    Sorry, I couldn’t think of a kinder word. (and btw I hate the bankees too).

  5. Pingback: Series Preview: Reds vs. Bryce Harper | Redleg Nation

  6. I’ve never liked that mother fucker.

  7. I would like to see your analysis about his character now that he is in the show. Real douchebag, huh? Yeah, handling everything with more maturity than opponents (Hamels incident, Ozzie Guillen incident, etc). Man, what a doucher, i hope we trade him before he starts tearing it up…

  8. Natsblowanalcrust

    Author, you are the biggest douche of all time. Die

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