MLB 2011 Haters Guide: National League

My good friend Connor O’neil, who you’ve seen in the comments section as Sox fan in hiding, took the time to layout a reason for why you should hate every team in baseball this year.  Consider this a handy pocket guide while heckling at inter-league games.  Keep in mind that it’s just for fun and not everything should be taken seriously.  The Marlins aren’t gay and Pujols is probably worth every penny as much as the gross national debt…so don’t get your panties in a twist.  Enjoy.


Now that Spring Training is almost wrapped, let’s lay down some serious perspective on this upcoming season.  And since there won’t be football in the fall (somewhere Bud Selig is creaming himself thinking about the World Series finally outdoing Dancing with the Stars in ratings), this unfortunately is the best we have for the next 7 months.

Let’s start with the JV squads….

NL East

Philadelphia – Let’s all just agree on this to start, people from Philly suck balls.  I don’t care how good your cheesesteaks are, you’re still garbage.  It’s been reported that Hamels, Halladay, and Lee have been taking significant time away from Spring Training to patent a Neck Helmet for Oswalt without infringing on Easton’s design for this piece of work. Their camaraderie has landed them the nickname “R2C2.”  Somewhere Joe Blanton is elbow-deep in Cheez Whiz.

Atlanta – One word: BORING.  I mean, they lost the one exciting part of their organization in Bobby “That-Wasn’t-A-Goddam-Strike” Cox….and he was fucking old, man!!  I used to like Braves but then they became perennial division winners and that’s dull.  Is the Tomahawk Chop really that fun when you do it 23 times per game?

Florida – Honestly, who gives a shit about the Marlins?  If they aren’t pulling a Yankee move, aka buying championships, they’re busy trading away their best players.  I mean seriously, Adrian Gonzalez for Ugueth Urbina?  Doesn’t make any fucking sense.  Although it might, for a team that was originally going to call themselves the Florida Flamingos.  Queers.

New York – The Mets might as well quit while they’re ahead (which they’re not).  Here is what they have going for them:

1) They’re from NY, which just screams ASSHOLE.

2) Their ownership is as good with their money as every other rich ASSHOLE on Wall Street, like the ones that sent our country into an apocalyptic decline that ends with us wandering and eating human flesh like characters in The Road

3) Like Dicky Eklund, they can never keep it together.  No matter how healthy they might be at this point, it’s a guarantee that elbows will be blown and hammies pulled.  Get the soaking tub and scalpel ready.

Washington – The Nats have a lot to look forward to.  First, they got the Chosen One, Part Deux. (As a side note, I would love to see Chosen One vs. Chosen One in a steel cage death match.  Hopefully both die simultaneously.)  Second, they barely squeaked out the bidding victory (7 yr/$126 mil…WTF?) for a 31-year-old outfielder who hit .296 last year (Is Snyder running this team too?).  And all the Nats fans are going to hear about every fucking game is Strasburg’s recovery.  Have fun with that.  But hey, no more Rob Dibble.

NL Central

Cincinnati – Some might call them “scrappy.”  I call them “horseshit.”  Who gets no-hit in the playoffs?  On a side note, congrats to Aroldis Chapman, who won an over-sized teddy bear at the Ohio State Fair for hitting 112 mph at the ball toss tent.  Good to hear his one talent got him somewhere.

St. Louis – Albert Pujols, once a true man of character, is a dick.  Is he worth $30 million/year? Hell no.  Unfortunately Cardinals fans are too nice (it’s a Midwest thing) to tell him that to his face. A protest would be in order, but the Midwest is a little bogged down with protests as it is.

Milwaukee – What a bunch of ass kissers.

Chicago – God, I hate the Cubs.  All I can think of is smug, suburban, Old Style-drinking (because it’s retro, duh) prick fans whose greatest moment of toughness was throwing a beer (again, an Old Style) at Bartman as he left the stadium.  What a bunch of pussies, to blame that poor guy and to miss the fact that your team is a bunch of CHOKERS.  Go fuck a goat – maybe that will break the curse.

Houston – Call me evil, but I’d love to see Carlos Lee break a leg on that damn hill in center field.  Los Caballitos would collectively cry.  Minute Maid execs would keep on sippin’ dat purple drank.

Pittsburgh – You know they’re horrific when the only recognizable name in the projected lineup in Lyle Overbay.  The Pirates are a far cry from the glory days of Bonds, Bonilla (anyone else curious what he is up to?), and Andy Van Slyke (NERD ALERT!!), so in a way I want to feel bad for them.  But then my rational brain says “Hey wait! You hate Pittsburgh and their douchebag athletes!”  Thanks brain, I needed that. (Hines Ward photo courtesy of these guys)

NL West

San Francisco – So what if the Pandoval has lost weight?  Twenty bucks says he eats his way back to the Mendoza line by June.  And Brian Wilson will be too busy banging his Machine friend to concentrate.  Repeat Champs again?  A big fucking NO to that.

San Diego – Have these motherfuckers decided on a uniform yet?  It’s good to know that they’re keeping some designer employed, but Christ this is getting annoying.

Colorado – Their challenge this season will be challenging the Giants for the NL West keeping Ty Wigginton fed without blowing the budget.

Arizona – 1,529.  Any guesses as to what this number represents?  Anyone?  That number represents a record that the D-Backs now hold (woohoo!!!).  That’s the number of times their batters struck out last season (awwwwshittttt).  They should hold that for a while, seeing how the previous record was 1,399.  To fix things, they brought in a former WS hero to grab this team by the handlebars and give them a good shakin’.  Yeeehaaaawww! They also lost 86% of those K’s when they sent Mark Reynolds to the O’s.

Los Angeles – With the Dodgers, the bullshittery starts at the top and trickles down.  I’m sure every Jose or Maria Dodger Fan loves hearing about the McCourts fighting over who is going to take whose billions.  I think a new owner needs to take over, someone with integrity (like him), creativity (like him), and a level head (like him).  But he better move swiftly, before Frank turns Chavez Ravine into a parking lot.

Coming Soon: American League

That was fun wasn’t it folks?  I feel a little dirty after reading that.  Anyway.  Tomorrow we’ll have the complete AL Haters Guide and Jjaks is going to make up for his TWIT post with an ESH Fantasy Baseball Draft Recap.  I would have been at the draft but…I forgot we were drafting.  I did get auto-drafted Aroldis Chapman though, so hopefully I can snag one of his teddy bears.

Anyone coming to Pickles Friday for the game?

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2 Comments

Filed under General Posts

2 responses to “MLB 2011 Haters Guide: National League

  1. Melissa

    This is all kinds of excellent. Love you guys. Can’t wait for the AL edition.

  2. doctorright

    Connor- killer. Very funny, and right on. Hooligans- thanks again for your work. Hope to see you guys this season. DOC

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