MLB 2011 Haters Guide: American League

Yesterday we gave you the NL preview.  Today the AL.  I hope you didn’t take it too seriously and yes, we know it’s a rip-off of the Deadspin Haters guide to other things but we prefer, homage.  Anyway, here again is Conor O’neill.

OMG, Opening Day is so close I can smell ESPN’s musty montages.  And John Kruk.  In preparation for this week’s openers, we have to explore the American League teams, for hate’s sake.  Hopefully, this season keeps our attention so we won’t be forced to click over to the NBA Finals.  Now back to the show….

AL East

Tampa Bay – Ahhhhh Florida, where old people go to die.  It’s surprising they have a fan base at all with that kind of turnover.  Remember last year, when they could only get 12,000 people for a potential playoff clincher?  I imagine in many Tampa homes it goes like this:

Old woman: “Harold, do you wanna go to the game tonight?”

Harold: “Huh?”

Old woman: “The game, do you wan…never mind! We’ll just watch Minute to Win It.”

(Harold has nodded off)

Anddddddddd scene!

New York – Hey, did you hear the Yankees just signed Millwood? So that brings the team’s average age to….49.5 years old.  Congrats Yankees, you are officially the most elderly, at-risk-for-diabetes team in the league.  Glad to see those fucks are spending Georgie’s money well.

Boston – The Sox ownership is like that co-worker who brags about all the money-making bullshit they do on the side to make a little extra dough.  You nod and listen but all you want to do is give them the ol’ Jack Johnson and Tom O’Leary.  As if a fucking $727 bajillion payroll doesn’t irk you enough, they go and buy a shitty EPL team just to be like “Look what I have!!!”  Bunch of pricks.

Toronto – The MLB needs to move out of Canada, period.  Otherwise as soon as Royals pitcher Jose Pedro Gomez Vasquez (don’t look him up, he doesn’t exist) plunks Aaron Hill with a pitch, Mr. Selig is going to have a lawsuit/court case on his hands.  Off with his head EH!!

Baltimore“Oh man, the Red Sox and Yankees are only good because they have a lot of money.” SHUT UP.  Someone needs to teach Buck how to talk shit (a daring volunteer from ESH, perhaps?).  Come on, Buck, this is Day One shit!  I believe the key to being a tough guy is to stand your ground and avoid this horseshit.

AL Central

Minnesota – First of all, Justin Morneau is a pussy.  If you can’t play with a headache then you need to take your damn MVP award and drive your Arctic Cat into Lake Superior.  The Twins will be ok though; after all this is an atrocious division.  They’ll be spraying each other with Veuve Clicquot in September and be playing golf by October 10, per usual.

Chicago – I’ve wanted to beat A.J. Pierzynski with a fungo bat ever since he came up.  Maybe it’s his pervasive cockiness or just his bad choice of hair style.  Either way, I can’t until the next Michael Barrett steps up to the plate and fucking delivers.

Detroit – Detroit has quickly moved up the rankings on their way to another title…for WORST FUCKING GOD-AWFUL CITY IN AMERICA.  Miguel Cabrera didn’t relapse; he was just seeing how much of his $20 million he could drink away before he gets murdered.  I give him points for adding “Drink in front of cop” to his bucket list.  Salud, hombre!

Cleveland – Charlie Sheen has offered his relief pitching services to the Indians.  His contract terms are as follows:

-$1.6 million per appearance

-Another one and half men required in the bullpen at all times

-Performance bonus: One brick of coke per strikeout

One way or another, this lonely fool will be left beating his goddam drum.

Kansas City – Imagine this.  You’re enjoying a beautiful Missouri (or is it Kansas?) summer day, rooting for your favorite baseball team, the Royals.  All is well with the world as you breathe in the clean, Midwest air as you kick back and WHAM you get a wiener right in the eye!  SLUGGERRR YOU STUPID FUCK!!

One of the many reasons why no one wants to be in Kansas City.  Not even good baseball players.

AL West

Texas – Let me get this straight…The Rangers borrowed MLB cash to keep a team on the field in 2009, some of whom went to the World Series the next year??  That’s some bullshit.  In the Bigs, I believe they call that “Selig-suckling” (also see Milwaukee Brewers).  Standard MLB procedure if you lack dignity.

Oakland – Found on a Bay Area blog today: Although there were maybe 4,000 fans in the Coliseum, the cheers made it seem like 30,000.  Another example the A’s fan base is small, but die hard. Wow, and I thought Tampa fans were “die hard.”  Oh wait, I apologize…I forgot you have these moose knuckles attending.

Los Angeles – So I guess when you own a sports team in California, you’re automatically a dick (or is this more like the chicken and egg debate?).  The Sacramento Kings owners want to move their team to Anaheim, a city that already tried to sue the Angels because they took their city name out of the team name.  What messy bullshit.  I think we’ve lost sight of something here – that these are just games, and that ALL Californians are dicks.

Seattle – This town should stick to what it’s good at: fish-tossing and killing themselves.

Thanks Conor.  Until we meet again.

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