Author Archives: Mike Halstad

Fuck you, Raul Ibanez.

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by | October 10, 2012 · 11:34 pm

“It’s pretty cool.”

The third player in Major League history to hit 43 or more doubles in four straight seasons.

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This is so exciting!

I sure hope someone blogs about the Orioles actually being somewhat entertaining to watch.

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Wiggin-ton Selfishly Argues Obvious Out

First of all, we need more of this action!

But…

Was Wigginton arguing the call because it was quite clearly a fucking out (maybe two, considering he tagged both hands) and wanted to get the team pumped?

Or…

Had Wigginton got word of Mike Gonzalez treating the Tides to a smorgasbord of seafood recently and shellfishly (hiyo!) made an early exit in hopes of devouring an ocean’s worth of crustaceans?

I’ll take the latter.

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Douchebags…in Bulk

Recently, I had new tires put on my vehicle at good ol’ Price Club (or Costco, for the noobs).  Everything went smoothly as I grabbed every free sample in sight while waiting for my ride to be ready.  But, things quickly took a turn for the worse.  Costco didn’t have yoo-hoo! Outraged, I left.  Luckily, at this point, my car was ready and a guy who, for the sake of this story, we will call JD (because that was his real name) was finishing up some paperwork.  And then, assuming he saw the Orioles stickers on my car, he proceeded to write this horseshit on my cute little packet thingy.

What the fuck?!  The room started spinning…

Apparently, it wasn’t long before I woke on the cold, cement floor of the Tire Center.  Either my blood sugar was low or I was trampled by the retarded bandwagon JD was piloting.  Upon remembering it was the latter, I crashed my car into the Tire Center and lit it on fire.

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ESH Makes History

Three of us were a part of the record-low nine thousand, one hundred twenty-nine (9,129) in attendance at OPACY last night.  This is the lowest ballpark attendance everin the history of attendance.  So, we talked to some fans at the game about it.  Just kidding.  There weren’t any.  The Expos have better attendance.  To give you an idea, I will paint you a picture…with a picture.

Also, we managed to exploit the “Fan of the Game” free pretzel situation and damn did it feel good…again.  To top it all off, friends and family were able to see three total badasses every time Garza was shown diddling around the mound.

In case you missed our epic television time with Matt Garza; left to right at Garza’s head level are Tom Ludlow, yours truly, and Shane Falco.

Tonight is Wieters T-shirt night to the first 10,000. With the chance of rain, attendance will probably be 12. We will be in attendance if the weather does not cooperate with our softball double-header, hopefully in time for the prize. /sarcasm

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Adventures at the Yard: Weekend Edition

As you know, Opening Day wasn’t too eventful.  But, come Saturday the Hooligans were back in their usual spot (Section 4) with Errol, the usher.  Things felt much better atmospherically and we were able to cheer & heckle for the first time in the ’10 season.  This time around though we weren’t heckling Bautista, but instead…this guy to the right.  Some cat with Eugene Levy-esque eyebrows wearing a Boston cap.  We heckled him for that reason alone, but the real kicker came when he attempted to lead the cheers in our section.  Baffling.  And, annoying. He was also wearing his jacket tied around his waist, which obviously isn’t cool and we let him know it.

On a cooler note, a friend of a friend won “Fan of the Game.”  Naturally, we moved to her row, as no one but her mother and herself were sitting there, for the free pretzel.  Everyone followed suit, until the row was full.  It worked out nicely.  While the chick handed out the pretzel coupons, some old hussie in the row in front of us tattled!  Lucky for us, the pretzel chick didn’t give a single shit, so we all enjoyed some cinnamon-sugar goodness.  The older chick then informed us she was an 8th grade teacher and going to use us as an example for cheaters.  We informed her we were “cheaters” that enjoyed some delicious free pretzels.  Saturday’s game was full of lame asses.

Sunday’s game was nice, weather-wise.  The action was nice to start, then took a turn for the worst as shot after shot took a trip to Souvenir City and we ended up losing our 5th game of the season (not to mention the sweep by the Jays).  Being without other Hooligans, I chose to express myself through the art of dance, instead of heckle.  My sultry moves to Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA,” didn’t even warrant a Jumbo-tron look.  But, I’m sure someone in proximity was aroused.

Second to lastly, speaking of arousal, Markakis is still the jam.  While not reflected in the overrated batting average statistic, the Greek stud is projected to have 243 walks.  That’s ridiculous and surely not going to happen.  But, because of this early, impressive stat, I’ve crudely photoshopped him for the ladies (and some dudes.)  That’s good body.

In finality, there will be some Hooligans at the game tonight.  Section 4.  Feel free to join us or fall victim to my gyration.

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Game On.

Yesterday’s game was quite the disappointment.  Pitching was poor.  Bergeson gave up a handful of runs in 4 2/3 an inning (not completely his fault considering Jones should have caught that deep fly that gave up 2 in the first), however the O’s still managed to get 1 more than the Jays with the hot bat of, reigning MASN ‘Player of the Game,’ Michael Tejada.  Time to close shop.  But, on par with his first few outings…

However, ESH are not prepared to boo him…yet.  Not everyone can be dominant right off the bat (no pun intended, but count it!).  I think Gonzalez will find his groove and finish his innings like he’s been starting them.  Two K’s, then loading the bases was a bit extreme in our only win.

Anywho, a few of the Hooligans will be attending the game tonight.  We were out of our element yesterday, having to sit in our designated spots, but tonight will most likely be different.  And, by different I mean back to the usual “cheap ticket, pick your seat” deal we’re all so fond of.  Looking to be in Section 4ish on the right field line.  Come join the party.

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“If you ain’t first, you last.”

True to the title, we aren’t in first, we’re in last.  Some may think it’s early, but sadly the O’s , two games in, sit in the basement.  We only have 160 games remaining to turn things around and clinch…our 4th place spot…in the division.  Of course, this isn’t going to destroy my spirit or my attendance.  I, with the other Hooligans, plan to attend a plethora of games.  Actually, I’m pumped.  Especially for Opening Day.  I wasn’t able to attend the Wieters debut last season, so it’s been quite a bit since I’ve experienced a full house, without the douche-baggery of the Yankees or Sox.

With Matusz starting tonight, I’m confident we won’t get swept to start the season.  I’m also confident that regardless of Longoria providing 3 of 4 runs last night, consistently sending balls through the roof of Orange Juice Field, and Garza’s line, Tejada will again be the “Player of the Game” on MASN.

In fantasy news, It’s Business Time, strategically managed by yours truly, is currently in first place.  Three games into the season, is it too early for me to celebrate this victory?  No.  My “no moves,” style and Heyward-hype will surely carry me to the championship and all the naysayers, namely myself, will be silenced.

On an unrelated note, another jersey was misspelled. Velez of the Giants, in his debut, rocked his “San Francicso” jersey.  Granted this is only a misspelling, but I fear the joke will become more elaborate.  It may just be a matter of time.

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Video: ESH @ Fan Fest

Some Fan Fest shenanigans! (I swear to God, I’ll pistol whip the next guy that says ‘shenanigans!’)

Easy bonus points if you guess who’s calling Bingo. If you don’t know, shame on you.

More to come this week, so check back frequently.

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rObots

Yes, please.We are going to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen at the IMAX to kill time before the O’s take on the Nats tonight. Big ass robots. Big ass explosions. Awesome! Speaking of big, it’s a big night for promotions at OPACY. Tonight the first 10,000 to the yard will be treated to a Nick Markakis batting jersey that could only be worn by Wigginton. That’s right, it’s gonna be huge!

 

UPDATE: The Markakis jersey is not gigantic! It claims to be an XL, but it’s more of a smedium, fitted for infants and 140 lb. fellas like myself.

Johnny Utah

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Battle of the Birds

Tonight the O’s will be setting off fireworks vs. the Natinals. The Eutaw Street Hooligans will be there. If you’re planning to be at the yard, we’ll be in the Right Field Bleachers (best view for the ‘works). You should recognize at least one of us.

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The Thriller

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Redding Got Wietersed

Adventures at the YardJune 17, 2009. Jones bobble heads in hand, we headed to the bleachers in center. Strangely, that didn’t last long as we were given the boot by a small group…of 53…from Oregon. Apparently, the Mets snuck out of New York the night the Yankees were dominated and let Swisher pitch. Too embarrassed to be in the same state, I suppose. More embarrassing, however, is Gabe Kapler struck out with Swisher on the mound throwing his ‘changeup.’ I digress.

Like circus folk, we moved on to right field, practically on Ryan Church, a perfect spot to unleash…the homo-heckle. I told Church he looked great in his pants and he should pray I don’t jump the rail. Hot and bothered, he moved closer. I loudly whispered he was so close I could feel his heart beat. Then, the unexpected occurred. Through the art of mime, he placed his hand in his jersey and gestured his heart beating! Well played, sir.

WietersedOn a side note, Wieters hit the first homerun of his Major League career. No big deal.

Ha!

No big deal?! That shit was awesome! Redding got wietersed. It gave me and the soft-skinned gentlemen alongside me goose bumps. Oh, and we won. Boing. Mets 4. Orioles 6. W

Johnny Utah

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Adam Jones Bubble-Blowin’ Bobblehead!

Adam Jones Bobblehead Tonight the Orioles will be giving out the Adam Jones Bobblehead to the first 25,000 fans. The Eutaw Street Hooligans will be in attendance and you should be, too! If you’re planning to be at the yard, we’ll be in the Center Field Bleachers. You should be able to hear us.

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Orioles’ Offensive Offense

Adventures at the YardThe adventures begin (in text) as The Eutaw Street Hooligans become a household name and recruit new members. This past week the Eutaw Street Hooligans made it out to 3 games in-a-row; a no-promotion Wednesday, Bleachers & Boog’s and the always popular Floppy Hat Night (because nothing says ‘cool’ like limp headgear). While the O’s decided it would be a great idea to produce an average of two (2) runs over the three game stretch, bigger things were happening in the stands…sort of.

Wednesday, June 10. It was a misty and fairly uneventful evening at the yard. We attempted to heckle Ichiro in between all his stretching. This, of course, proved to be difficult due to the language barrier. (Japanese speak not do I.) Mariners 4, Orioles 1. L.

fotgThursday, June 11. Being a Bleacher’s & Boog’s Thursday it would seem natural to sit in the bleachers and eat Boog’s meat. We did neither. However, Noah’s Pretzels provided our row with a complimentary pretzel for accomplishing a great achievement – Fan of the Game. From this moment on, the Orioles would feed off of our excitement and confirm that their bats were still not working. Branyan, on the other hand, hit a ball to (give or take an inch) the moon. Mariners 6, Orioles 3. L.

Friday, June 12. Floppy Bat Hat Night! But, more importantly $6 Sit Wherever You’d Like Night. Actually, we promote sitting wherever you’d like every night, but we save $3 with an ID from years past on these particular occasions. Floppy hats were given to the first 25,000 fans over 21, leaving 21,000 hats for Petey Angelos. The highlight of this evening was, by far, Luke Scott swinging…a lightsaber. Braves 7. Orioles 2. L.

Then, came the weekend and the birds turned it up to 11, literally. Hopefully, they can keep it up against the Mets, but preferably the Phillies ( June 20th) because our seats at Citizens Bank weren’t $6.

Johnny Utah

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