Tag Archives: Natinals

Home Run Derby

Remember when the Home Run Derby didn’t suck?  Is it just me, or is it impossible to watch?  Let’s just say if I had to choose between watching the derby or any Vin Diesel flick then I would hate my life.  I remember back in my younger years when it was exciting to watch and it was awesome.  Now it has become boring and stale so I’m going to fix it.  Listen up MLB/ESPN because as always, I am here to help.

  1. No more Brandon Inges. I don’t want to see an 0  for in the Home Run Derby.    In fact I don’t care if the guys who participate in it are even All Stars.  Give me Adam Dunn, Mark Reynolds, Russel Branyan and the biggest mashers you can find.Wieters taking BP
  2. No more “Swing Off”. All it does is tire out the competitors.  Biggest bomb advances, thats what we’re here to see anyway.
  3. Shorten It. This thing lasts longer than Hanukkah.  I don’t need to see a concert on the field, especially by whoever that was on Monday.  I also don’t need to see Albert Pujols take 43 pitches trying to win some guy a car.  Let the guy hit the ball from home, go pick it up and hit it again from where it landed.  If it goes out he wins.  If not, he can play for the Natinals.
  4. Get rid of Chris Berman. This goes for any broadcast, not just the derby.  But this is even worse because he feels as if he has free rein to ramble on and on using terrible nicknames.  How does someone get such a high profile job in sports without knowing anything about sports?  It’s like letting Helen Keller teach Spanish.

That is it.  My new Home Run Derby.  Enjoy.

~ Jjaks Clayton


Filed under General Posts

It’s Always Smoggy In Philadelphia

Adventures Away from the YardAs you may know, the Eutaw Street Hooligans made a trip up to Philly on Saturday to watch the O’s beat up on the World Series Champs.  We took our show on the road to the ill-named City of Brotherly Love. I’m not saying that the fans up there were douches, but only because I’m not sure that is a strong enough term.  We’ll get to that later.

Let’s start with Citizens Bank Park.  Weak sauce.  Take everything you love about OPACY and…well, they tried to replicate it.  They were unsuccessful.  They have their own former player Boog’s knock-off and a fake Eutaw Street they call Ashburn Alley.  But, the thing that really sucked (no, not the assortment of trash strewn about the stands…I said we Where is the fence?would talk fans later) was that from our right field seats, we couldn’t even see the whole field!  We still aren’t convinced that Zaun hit that homerun because for starters it is Greg-freakin’-Zaun, but also because we couldn’t see the fence in right or center field, not to mention about 50 feet into the field of play, either.  At first glance, I thought they were so cocky that they were playing with no right fielder, but it turns out Jayson Werth was just hiding from us.  Beyond the field of play, it seemed like we were on a tour of Natinal’s Park, except they couldn’t fit everything.  So, they decided to add more attractions to get in your way.  A ball pit and sky tube funasium that would make Chuck E. jealous (weep?), carnival games, and endless eateries just blocking up the scenery.  Yes, THE Mitch WilliamsThe lone bright spot?  Mitch Williams Wild Thing Southpaw Salsa!  We didn’t eat it, but the fact that it exists is amazing  by itself.  Let me get this straight, Philadelphia…you will boo Santa Claus, but Mitch Williams gets his own salsa and you are okay with that?!  Mitch-fucking-Williams!  Way to embrace mediocrity, which explains a lot about your stadium.

Now, let’s talk about the city.  First of all, we live in Baltimore.  Our chief exports are murder and STDs.  But I’m pretty sure I could see in the distance one, of what I am assuming is many, factories which only exists to produce smog 24 hours a day.  You could smell it, you could taste it and you could certainly feel it.  The weather channel kept telling me it was raining, but I am pretty sure that the moisture we were feeling was just an ever present cloud of dense smog.  It felt like we were in a sauna of death and garbage that was too gross for the landfill.


Nothing like trash and landfill as a segue to Phillies fans.  I know, we’re hecklers and call ourselves hooligans and we are complaining about other team’s fans.  At the risk of sounding hypocritical, these guys (and gals) are dicks.  Not all of them, we did talk to a few delightful fans.  One of which asked us on our way into the stadium why we would bother lowering ourselves to see a game at CBP when we have OPACY to go to at home.  Wow, was he right.  But anyway, we are not stupid.  When we take our show on the road we tone it down a notch or 5.  There wasn’t any heckling of their players there weren’t any confrontations with their fans, just good ol’ fashioned cheering for the O’s.  Baltimore took a 3-0 lead and we stood and clapped, thats all, clapped and a high five, and said nothing to anyone else…next thing we know there is stuff being thrown at us.  Classy.

Then Baez happened.  Ryan Howard comes off his death bed to deal a death blow to our enthusiasm. Now that they had the lead, they were a little more vocal. Fast forward to the 9th inning, Zaun hits a dinger…laughter ensues because we were immediately calling for Trembley’s head for allowing him to bat and because well let’s face it Zaun hit a dinger.  A grown woman sitting behind us with her mother who had to be at least 147 years old starts yelling at us, “When was your last MVP?”  Probably right around the last time you had all your teeth.  We tell her that her knocks are useless against us because we know that Baltimore is a sub .500 team that needs our love and support.  Her reply?  “Why don’t you try winning a World Series?”  No problem, we could clearly beat either Texas or LSU 2 out of 3 times.  Salazar singles and we start to get that feeling deep in our pants hearts.

What the cover SHOULD look likeBrian Roberts comes up to the plate and…chiton!  Only we weren’t sure because of our obstructed view.  The boos, however, confirmed it.  Howard took the lead with a homerun, and Brian Roberts won it with one.  If I remember math class correctly, this makes Brian Roberts ≥ Ryan Howard.  Bring the rain Phillies fans…we are showered with what seems to be ice cubes and french fries from a few rows above us.  We’ll take the fries, and another come-from-behind victory over the N.L. East.  Orioles 6, Phillies 5. W

There’s no place like home…

~Jjaks Clayton

Leave a comment

Filed under Adventures AWAY from the Yard, General Posts