…Or some stupid crap like that.
If you remember a few days ago I posted the picture I saw in Rolling Stone about how terrible our base running is. For those who haven’t, and that’s most of you judging by our site traffic numbers lately, here you go.
Well last night Brian Roberts did exactly what Ashanti did on the base path. With 1 out he sprinted to home on a lazy fly ball and was doubled up at second, effectively running us out of the inning. We won though, so it didn’t end up mattering too much but holy shit that’s ridiculous.
There was one difference between Ashanti’s base running mistake and Brian’s.
She’s a singer and he’s A PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL PLAYER!
Last night, I was embarrassed. It’s a good damn thing no one really watches the O’s anymore.
For those of you new at heckling or those of you trying to better your techniques, we’re here to help. So sit back, relax, and take our advice on effective heckling.
First, we will go over possible targets of heckling.
1. The Opposition – This includes players and coaches of the opposing team as well as the entire team itself.
2. Umpires – The third team on the field.
3. Other fans – There are many reasons they should be heckled (see below)
4. Orioles players – These heckles MUST be accompanied by an audible expression of your unwavering love for them (unless it’s Hendrickson).
Now you’ve got your targets, but what’s the best way to hit ’em where it hurts?
Players are easy and there are 3 basic ways to heckle them.
- The first is cultural. For example, Hideki Matsui’s nickname is Godzilla. This opens up the possibility for movie references as well as other fictional beasts such as The Incredible Hulk and Donkey Kong as well. Be creative. It is also perfectly acceptable to ask Ichiro if he played ball with Tom Selleck.
- The second is on field performance. This is easy, “Francour is like baseballs version of Superman, except his kryptonite is getting on base.”
- The third is off-field shenanigans. This is where you can have some fun. Here’s an example for our neighbor in the district, Elijah Dukes: “He didn’t misplay that fly ball, it just followed the lead of his ex wife and took out a restraining order against him.
Heckling of umpires is the most basic of all and really if you can’t do this without my help then you have a long way to come still in your heckling life.
Heckling other fans should only be done for fun as we do not condone fighting. There are a few different reasons to heckle other fans. These include:
- wearing another sports jersey to a baseball game (i.e. a Caps jersey to a Nats game. The good teams vibes won’t rub off on the shitty one so give it up.)
- wearing a jersey or hat of a team not participating in the event currently taking place (i.e. a Boston hat to an Orioles v. Detroit game…we get it, you’re a bandwagon fan.)
- wearing team gear that is a color other than an official team color (i.e. green O’s hats, red Yankees hats)
- or anyone over the age of 12 who brings a baseball mitt to the game. Honestly, chances are, if you brought your glove to the game, you lack the skill to properly use it. These heckles are not for everybody as they may seem a little mean, such as “Its a good thing you brought your mitt dude. You never know when we’re going to have another middle infielder go down.”
Now we’ll get on to heckling of our own players. As a fan, you agree to accept all players on the roster no matter what. For example, Ty Wigginton. “With Wiggy on our side we’ve got this in the bag if it turns into a wing eating contest” or “Wiggy would lead the league in stolen bases if we put a double cheeseburger on 2nd base” followed immediately by “You’re my boy Ty!” This also includes the reverse heckle. “Sherrill is built like a bowling pin, there is no way he strikes this guy out for the save.”
There it is, your beginners guide. Look for more to follow, and if you have any questions just ask. We’re here to help.
See you at the yard!
~ Jjaks Clayton