Monthly Archives: November 2009

If You Hadn’t Heard, This is What the O’s Need.

The O’s need:

A power hitter in the middle of the line up.

A first baseman if Snyder isn’t ready/doesn’t pan out.

A third baseman if Bell isn’t ready/doesn’t pan out.

A leader in the rotation.

A closer.

Can this be the last time that list is created, please?  It’s well documented . Everyone knows where the holes are.

Move on.

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Image of the Devil

Well as free agency and the winter meetings draw near…we have been doing some pretty extensive research.  Not research on who the organization should target but who is the mole in the organization that is picking up on all your ideas.  Dooms-dayers and unrealistic super fans alike, this deviant spares no one’s well thought out, must-do moves for the offseason.

We finally unlocked a picture of this evil genius.  For those of you with weak stomach’s please don’t scroll down.  For those of you who want to look the devil in the eyes, by all means.  I give you…Regis Stanczak.













Ehhh…Man he gives me the chills.  Not only is he ripping off great trade ideas like this.  He’s doing it on a fucking Commodore.  Oh he’ll read this, wildbillhiccup.  As soon as his dial-up connects, he’ll read it, print it, shit on it, brush it off and send it through his facsimile to Mac-attack. You know what that’s called.  That’s a fax boom, bitch.  Right in your face.  That’s exactly what he’ll doe alright.

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Good things in Turdland!

Congrats to Adam Jones for winning the gold glove.

Apparently there are some O’s fans who love to rain on a parade.  These are the same dooms-dayers I’ve mentioned here.

Statistically, sure, he might not have deserved it. Must you be such a fucking downer all the time?

Some of you feel better when everyone rags on us and when we are the consummate underachievers. You yearn for us to start off on a blaze and then collapse at the end of the year so you can say, “I told you so.”

If there was such a thing as a losing culture (you know that thing that all you assholes complain about), it would be you fans who can’t find anything good to say about our team.  You’d rather us be losers because you’re more comfortable that way.


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Taking a break from Warehouse-gate to say…

Congrats Tex.  Don’t worry about those dudes holding signs.  They don’t know shit about you.  You’re the man.  So what if they call you a hypocrite, sell-out, soulless bastard.  They’re just jealous.

All you did was play the “game”.  Not baseball…the other “game”.  Tell Yankee fans you were a Yankee fan.  Tell O’s fans you were an O’s fan.  It’s like Survivor.  You have to have a strategy, man.  They don’t just give the million bucks to the nicest, emaciated, dirtball.  You gotta earn that shit.

And you did earn that shit.  All 22.5 million.  You know what you can do with that much money?  You can buy shit.  Tons of it.  A big ass house for all your shit, too.  Like all your sports equipment.  Then you can buy a big ass car to haul your shit around town.  You could have a 22.5 million dollar parade right through downtown Severna Park.  What do you care?  You still have another 157 million coming your way.  That’s buy a country type money.

You can buy a country, then declare war on Severna Park.  You can form a coalition of the obscenely rich with CC, AJ, Arod, and Derek.  You guys can just take over the world, one small town at a time, until everyone is a Yankee fan.  Send them to internment camps where they watch Yankee footage like A Clockwork Orange. If they don’t take to the “treatment” you give ’em a frontal lobotomy.  That’ll teach ’em to question our supreme ruler, King Texiera.

You won a World Series man.  You’re untouchable.  You’re the man.

Who’s first in line for the lobotomy?

It’s painless, I swear.

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Warning not taken seriously!

What the hell!  No one is listening to me.

Regis Stanczak is a demon.  He’s like P-diddy.  He takes all your awesome creations and pawns them off as his own.

So we warned everyone yesterday and then this pops up.

Congrats… You just got hired as O’s GM!!!

You have just been hired to be the Orioles GM. The 40 man roster is currently at 32 and with Jones, Uehara and Bergesen coming off the 60 day DL puts it at 35.Brandon Snyder, Brandon Erbe, Josh Bell and Steve Johnson WILL be added putting the 40 man roster at 39.


So here is the catch… You can only make 10 moves before Opening Day. You are the man, and fully backed by Peter Angelos. Money is virtually no object. What 10 moves do you make????

Are you serious!?  You literally just opened up a one stop shop for Rege.  It’s like fish in a fucking barrel!

I’m not sure you get the implications here.  You’re brilliant ideas will be stolen and Andy will just act like they were his all along.  He’s on a beach somewhere sipping a virgin strawberry daiquiri while you guys are doing all this hard work.  He actually just told the cabana boy to bring him more fried shrimp.  And there you are…spending hours upon hours coming up with cockamamie awesome plans…for free!

This is America people.  We don’t do shit for free.  Ever.  Volunteer?  Pssh.  Pathetic.

You want communism?  Move to China.  You want free, hedonistic pleasure?  Move to Hedonism 1.  You want to live in the magical world of make-believe?  You’re a loser.  You want socialism?  Move to Canada.

Apparently you guys were just not patient enough for us to create our full report.  Those that take the warning seriously…stay tuned.

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New Position Added to Orioles Front Office!!!!

In what appears to be the most staggering information leak from an organization since Valerie Plame, the ESH have obtained classified documents from a source deep within the Orioles front office.

These documents reveal a secret position held by a Mr. Regis Stanczak.  Mr. Stanczak is believed to be working very closely with Andy MacPhail this off-season to assess possible acquisitions and trade opportunities.

If what I’m reading is true, his sole job is to troll around Orioles-centric blogs, fan sites, and  trade rumor sites to pillage the trade and free agent signing ideas from fans.  Once he has copy and pasted an idea from say, Orioles Hangout, he puts it in an email and sends it straight to Andy MacPhail.

But it’s not Andy’s work email.  It’s his fucking personal email!  Don’t you see what this means?!

Andy has hired some guy to rip off all your ideas!  Brilliant ideas too, like this one.  Or this one. Even really long, well backed up, and not boring at all hypotheticals like this one.  As if the dude doesn’t have enough to do, you want him to read all of that!?  No wonder nothing gets done during the off-season.

I implore you O’s fans, until we have more time to look into this dastardly bastard, stop posting all your great fucking ideas online!  Someone is actually reading them and sending them to the big boss!

As more details unfold we’ll be posting updates.  Until then, stay thirsty vigilant my friends.

~Kevin Lomax

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