Monthly Archives: July 2010

Non-baseball Related Editorial

But it is Orioles related.  My buddy just passed me this music video.  Not my kind of music but it is a pretty gnarly video.  It even has unicorns fucking.

What I think this video teaches us is that if you watch the Orioles while tripping, it’s a better experience.  What do you think the video means?


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UPDATED: Before We Start Getting Too Buck Nasty

I saw this commercial last night and had to pass it on with my thoughts of how it could have been better.  Note: the sound isn’t great but it has graphics so it’s not needed.

Now instead of Kakes being the O’s representative, wouldnt it have been better if it was Tejada?

Miguel Tejada, currently has one hit off Niemann but it hit him the fucking chest, knocking him out of the game.

Niemann.  Tejada.  Who will own it?

The answer is no.  It wouldn’t.  Because there has never been such thing as a three team game which would have to happen for Miggy to appear in this one.  Good luck with the Whales Vagina Dads.  Enjoy that one post season series you will probably see.

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Switch Hitting Jesus?


But he’s like Moses or something.

How long until the first Buck Showalter Facts website starts up?

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“Hit The F’in Ball out the F’in Ballpark”

If you read my post from earlier today you understand why I might be wasting time on youtube looking at Earl Weaver videos.

I found this one:

I’m not sure it’s real.  It’s just hard to tell.  I mean, I know the dude was coarse but wow.  He’s like my new fucking idol.

Also how funny are his Terry Crowley comments?  Can you believe he’s still around?

But then I found this:

It’s incredible isn’t it?  Do you think Earl would have ever thought he’d be auto-tuned?  Fuck no.

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Manager of My Expectations

I work in the client service industry.  It’s all about giving the client an enjoyable experience.  Usually this means great product, on time, and on budget.  Other times it means kissing their ass.

A big part of this is managing expectations.  So at the last week before the non-waiver deadline, I’m stuck checking every baseball outlet every second I can, waiting for the big news.  We traded someone.  But, possibly more importantly, when are they going to announce a managerial hire?

See the trade deadline is a hard date.  I know when it ends.  I have to assume that Andy knows too.  And, with all the calls and interest we’ve been getting in Wiggy, Scott, Tejada, Guts, hell even Patterson, I have to assume that a deal will eventually happen.  At least one.  Hopefully.

But the manageraial search could go on forever.  How long does interim last?  It’s as long as you want it to be.  So I grow anxious.  I want something to happen.  Anything.  Andy has stated that he’s on his own timeline.  I get that.  But manage my expectations a little better.  Saying stuff like this doesn’t help:

“I said [previously it] could be days, could be weeks, could be months, could be years. I try to give myself the full spectrum. There are so many variables. I don’t know how the process is going to unfold.”


The only glimmer of hope I have is that he also said this after the 4 game sweep of the Rangers:

They’ll be critical of me because we have not declared on the manager yet. There’s nothing worse you can do to the media then hanging something out there that’s going to happen, one way or the other, whether Juan (Samuel) got full status or whether you bring someone in from external…Over the last three weeks the team has been playing a little over .500 and Juan is doing fine.

Juan is not doing fine. The team is 2-8 since the break.  Really carried that momentum over didn’t we?

His team isn’t playing baseball. They are playing stick ball on an East Baltimore street in 1962.  That’s the level we are playing at right now.  We even have Timothy, he’s a little “slow” my mom says, playing shortstop.  He can get in front of a grounder fine but he can’t hit a lick.

Now we head to Canada (stay out of trouble Adam) with a team waiting for us that is over .500 but only because they’ve played us 9 times.  In those 9 games we’ve been outscored 15-48.  We haven’t won any.  Who hates Canada even more now?  Me.

I’m a little torn on what exactly is the best timing to announce it for the sake of the team as a whole.  I know I want it announced 4 weeks ago, but I’m as selfish as Wiggin-ton.  Just thinking out-loud (to the internet) but couldn’t we announce the manager and say Juan is trying to earn his spot on the staff so he doesn’t totally give up.  The players are auditioning to keep their jobs (though this could back fire).  Not sure.  What do you think?  When will the O’s announce the new (or permanent, dear god no) manager?

Anyway.  With every minute that ticks by and nothing happens, my desire for the next minute grows by one Couric.  Should be a fun week.

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Wiggin-ton Selfishly Argues Obvious Out

First of all, we need more of this action!


Was Wigginton arguing the call because it was quite clearly a fucking out (maybe two, considering he tagged both hands) and wanted to get the team pumped?


Had Wigginton got word of Mike Gonzalez treating the Tides to a smorgasbord of seafood recently and shellfishly (hiyo!) made an early exit in hopes of devouring an ocean’s worth of crustaceans?

I’ll take the latter.

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The O’s – A Bill Withers Odyssey

Don’t get me wrong.  When it’s the offseason, all I can do is think about you.

And every spring it’s like a fresh start.  Things feel right with the world.  I awake refreshed.  Rejuvenated.  Optimistic.

And then the inevitable.  Do you know what it’s like trying to defend you.  Especially after you get me in a crowd of people and act real rude to me?  Why can’t you love me like I love you?

My friends feel it’s their appointed duty to tell me that  I shouldn’t just let you walk on me.  But they don’t know what I know.

I want Showalter but when I passed Juan Samuel, he stared me down.  I looked at you and you looked at the ground.  Something in my heart and in your eyes, tells me he’s just not someone passing by.

Statements like this don’t give me much to look forward to:

They’ll be critical of me because we have not declared on the manager yet. There’s nothing worse you can do to the media then hanging something out there that’s going to happen, one way or the other, whether Juan (Samuel) got full status or whether you bring someone in from external…Over the last three weeks the team has been playing a little over .500 and Juan is doing fine.

The good news is, you are getting your ass kicked lately (really, good news?).  Sure the thriller in extras was fun.  But all you showed was you could ruin a perfectly decent night if it weren’t for Cesar doing something totally out of character (hitting).  And, how did you follow up that performance?  Another public humiliation.

But no matter what I do, at the end of the day…it’s just me and you.

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Jake Arrieta: asshole

I didn’t get to see last night’s game due to a prior engagement but after watching the highlights I have decided that Jake Arrieta is clearly an asshole. After Carl Crawford beat out what would have been a double play for probably anyone else in baseball, Arrieta was furious and decided to take it out on Crawford’s genitals.

Watch it here.

I know it makes me a douche to laugh at people getting hurt but seriously… that’s funny.

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Stop it! You’re killing Josh Bell!

Josh Bell has had 11 at bats since July 3. Yes, I said 11…in the last 18 days. That’s exactly what you want from a top prospect who struggled for half the season and just started to turn it around, you have to stop him from playing immediately.

Seriously, Josh Bell was the #38 prospect in all of baseball coming into this season and the second ranked third baseman behind only Brett Wallace, who is now a first baseman. This is how he gets treated? We have yanked him back and forth between Norfolk in a matter of days and sit him on the bench collecting splinters. This doesn’t make sense, good organizations do not call up their top prospects and then not play them. Why are they doing this? Lots of people want to know the answer to this question, so Roch Kubatko asked interim manager Juan Samuel about it.

“Tejada was signed to be the third baseman for this ballclub, and Tejada likes to play,” Samuel said. “The times that we’ve been able to have Tejada out of the lineup or DH, we have to talk to him. He earned that right with all he’s done in the game. We are taking that into consideration, that Tejada’s the third baseman, he’s going to play. And the times that we feel like we might need to get him at DH and had Josh Bell in there, that’s what we’ve done. But Tejada has earned the right to play.”

Wow dude, seriously if this is the best answer you can come up with don’t answer the question at all. It would have been less ridiculous if Samuel took the recorder from Roch and farted into it. Tejada wants to play? Of course he wants to play, what player in major league league baseball doesn’t want to play? Garrett Atkins probably loved to play and he was a veteran, by Samuel’s logic he should still be in the lineup everyday. So we sit our best positional prospect, the guy who we hope to be our third baseman of the future, for a 36 year old veteran sporting a .686 OPS and playing below average defense on a one year contract? REALLY?!?!

It would make sense if they were trying to build up trade value or let him play enough to reach type B free agent status for compensation in the offseason. However, how much trade value could he really have at this point? Adding to that, even if he does make it to Type B free agent classification there is no way he would not accept arbitration. Then we would have him for another year at possibly the same amount of money he is making now, which he isn’t worth. Tejada’s skills have greatly diminished, the warning signs were there, and I am one to say I told you so. Watching him play these days is excruciating, last night’s game aside.

This is just another reason the Orioles are inept. Josh Bell needs to play, if he isn’t going to play in the majors then he should be getting everyday at bats at Norfolk. He shouldn’t be sitting idle, Rhyne Hughes, Jeff Salazar or anyone else could do that. This is beyond ridiculous.

If you have a a minute, the long awaited article from Tony Pente over at Orioles Hangout has been posted. I’m about to read it myself and will post a reaction if I feel so inclined.


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ESH Fantasy League

Most people’s trepidations about joining a fantasy baseball league is that they lose interest and stop paying attention.  I did.  And I’m getting my ass kicked because of it.

1. Det. Tom Ludlow 141.5
2. Gunnar Stahl 133
3. Big Kruk Hunter 121
3. theCAPSlock 121
5. I am an Idiot. 120
6. Wife Hates Baseball 111
7. It’s Business Time 106
8. Ghost of Joe Kelley 104.5
9. Just Doumit 101.5
10. Arrietable Underwear 99.5
11. Real Pit Beef 96
12. The Kekambas 86.5
13. Big Ben’s Wingmen 83.5
14. Wyld Stallyns 80.5
15. Kevin Lomax 72
16. Splice Today 54.5

Tom is still holding it down for us as a group though so suck it everyone else.  Charlie Conway is showing well and so are the hockey dudes.  Man, that’s embarrassing.  If nothing else, I still have one leg up on Russ and the Splice crew, though I have a feeling they aren’t paying attention either.

Seriously though, thanks for joining us in this endeavor.  It’ll be over soon.

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Complaining on the Internet

Some people think that complaining on the internet works.  While in some cases, sure, it can resolve issues.  Just ask the people over at the Consumerist.

But fixing a baseball franchise?  Nope.  Perfect example:

Don’t Bring Up Bell

This is a thread requesting the Orioles not call up Josh Bell to fill Matt Wieter’s empty slot.

Orioles Recall Bell

Pretty much sums it up doesn’t it?

You, me, and everyone else that thinks they can do a better job running a franchise than the current owner and GM will just have to deal with being spectators.

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Thoughts at the break

The All-star break is brutal. I have to sit without real baseball for 3 days, and no Oriole’s baseball for 4 days. The All-star game itself, which I boycott, is a ridiculous joke for a dozen reasons at least. The home run derby is one of the most boring events in sports and I’m sure this year’s was no different. Seriously, Omar Infante was selected to the NL All-star team this year, the same Omar Infante who doesn’t start on his own team. Joey Votto, probably the MVP of the National League so far, had to be voted in for the final spot.

Yeah, the system to select All-Stars clearly works.

I would propose a system where the best players were chosen by their actual performance so far in the season. In my system the fans would vote on nothing and the teams would be picked completely by statistical analysis. This would get away from the current system where fans are encouraged to vote for their teams players and their favorites. Instead, the most deserving would be selected. Anything that gets the general public and general baseball “fans” opinion omitted is a good thing. I go to a lot of baseball games and I talk to baseball “fans” a lot. I have this conclusion, most of them have no idea what they are talking about and are not extremely intelligent. I’m willing to sacrifice my own ability to vote on the players in order for this to happen. In my system, we could use an advanced metric such as WAR to figure out the best players and select the teams this way. Under my plan, here are your starting lineups:

American League

C: Joe Mauer

1B:  Justin Morneau

2B: Robinson Cano

SS: Alex Gonzalez (That’s right. He’s been more valuable than Jeter, so has Cliff Pennington of the A’s. Marco Scutaro is even with the Golden Boy too.)

3B: Evan Longoria

LF: Carl Crawford

CF: Alex Rios

RF: Ben Zobrist

DH: Vladimir Guerrero

National League:

C: Brian McCann

1B: Joey Votto

2B: Chase Utley (since he is hurt, it’s Martin Prado)

SS: Hanley Ramirez

3B: David Wright

LF: Matt Holliday

CF: Andres Torres

RF: Ryan Ludwick

DH: Albert Pujols (sorted NL by batting runs and selected the first guy not in the lineup already)

Quite a bit different from the winners of the popularity contest. This is more in line with actual performance however, with both offense and defense taken into account.

Back to the Orioles, we are surging coming into the break winning 4 straight to sweep a road series with Texas. It has been a while since we have done that. I’m not sure if the break is a good thing or a bad thing. Some of the guys could use the rest and we have some guys real close to being healthy enough to return (Scott, Roberts, Gonzalez, Pie, Wieters) so that is a good thing. However, it would also have been nice to keep that positive momentum going for a little bit.

There’s not much positive to talk about at the “halfway” point in the season. Almost everyone has significantly underperformed expectations with the exceptions of Nick Markakis, Jason Berken, David Hernandez, Luke Scott, and Corey fucking Patterson. You may be able to include Adam Jones in that group soon but I expected a league average on base percentage and he hasn’t come close to that. Despite his recent hot streak, the guy has been an out machine this year, along with almost everyone else in the lineup. It’s been an awful half season, no doubt.

We are supposedly close to inking Buck Showalter as our next manager. I’m indifferent. To me, as long as they choose someone not named Rick Dempsey I’m fine with it.

I’m actually pretty excited about watching this team in the second half. Arrieta and Tillman have shown at least a little promise lately. We should be making some moves at the deadline which may add some excitement. We will be getting some guys back which could help us out a great deal. So, the question comes up as always, do we want to see the team win games in the second half or do we want the number one pick in the draft?

We are dangerously close to Pittsburgh catching up to us in the Anthony Rendon sweepstakes. The Pirates are now just one game behind us and we are well within quick striking distance of several other teams. Rendon is far and away the best talent in next years draft class, some analysts even prefer him to Bryce Harper. After that, the draft class is very solid and deep with talent. However, once again it is a very pitching heavy draft but we would still end up with a very solid prospect if we missed out on Rendon. So, I say win…we need to see some growth from our current players if we are ever going to be anything in the near future. So I want to see our core perform in the second half. I especially hope to see some drastic improvement from Wieters in particular and can we get Felix Pie to stay healthy for any amount of time? He is so fun to watch when he is on the field. Seriously, he better not end up being this guy:

What are you guys thinking about at the turn?


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As I sit on my couch watching the mid-summer classic, I decided to head over to the hangout.  Found an interesting article from Dan Connelly that basically refutes all the stuff that has been made public by this guy, this guy, and this douche bag.

I read the article, good nuggets.  Interesting perspective.  But then I start reading the comments in the thread.  It just boggles the mind.

This morning there were threads going about all the changes that would happen when Showalter gets here.  Who survives?  What coaches stay?  What players stay?  What happens to Samuel? I actually had to be the voice of reason in one thread and say, “Who said this is a done deal?  Let’s not count our chickens before they hatch.”

Flash forward to tonight and now the threads read MacPhail is slow!  Will the O’s botch the Showalter deal?  Who do we end up with if not Buck?

Calm the fuck down.  It’s just a fucking guy.  You people are sheep, man. You’re like man-sheep-pig. (It’s man-bear-pig, stupid)

No wonder the color coded terror system worked so well.  You people are in a constant state of fear and the media has got their dick so far up your ass you can’t tell what’s choking you; the possible bad news or the penis impaling you.

Maybe Dan’s right.  Maybe the other dudes are right.  Just sit back and enjoy the ride.  Sure, some rides aren’t fun and make you throw up, but you’re the one that paid for a ticket and got on the damn thing.  No one put a gun to your head, did they?

Xanax should start selling ad space on the Hangout.

This All-Star game is like Ambien.

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Matt Vensel Thinks the All-Star System is Flawed

But for the wrong reason.

Ty Wigginton’s 2010 season is an inspiring tale of perseverance.

Really?  Hamilton has a good story, recovering from drug addiction to fulfill his potential.  Wigginton just wants to keep getting paid millions of dollars to play a kids game.

The 32-year-old journeyman hoped to earn a spot in the starting lineup in spring training, but was relegated to the role of pine-riding utilityman and high-five specialist when the Orioles signed Miguel Tejada and Garrett Atkins. He didn’t start the Orioles’ first four games.

Kind of where he should be.  On any other team in baseball he’d be a utility guy, maybe a little more.  But on our shitty ass team, he stands out like a shining star.

Then Wigginton got his chance when Brian Roberts went down, and the stocky slugger spent much of April and May bashing baseballs into the bleachers.

And mashing potatoes, part of his carb-only diet.

On Sunday, Wigginton was selected to his first All-Star Game — despite a frigid slump that has stretched from June into July and dropped his batting average to .251.

Most players don’t have season long hot-streaks.  Baseball is a game of ups and downs.

Is Wigginton a great story? You bet.

On a slow news day in a slow sports city?  You bet.

Worthy of a spot in the Midsummer Classic? Not really.


After an All-Star-caliber first quarter, Wigginton has hit just one home run in his last 36 games. And though his 14 homers and 44 RBIs are tops on the Orioles, they are well short of the league lead.

To be fair, he was leading the league in HR’s for a decent chunk of the first half, but like you said, he’s cooled off a bit.

Still, he will be the Orioles’ lone representative at the 2010 All-Star Game — the ninth time in 10 years they have sent just one — on July 13 in Anaheim, Calif. Even Wigginton said he had doubts about his qualifications.

“I was just shocked, actually,” he told The Baltimore Sun. “I feel like at this point, there are some guys having better years than me, both on the team and around the league. But obviously, we know somebody has to go from here, and it feels good that it’s me.”

And it should be Wigginton.

And that’s my biggest beef with this whole process. Somebody has to go from here, even though the last-place Orioles had 25 wins at the midway point and no one on the roster performed like an All-Star in the first half (except for maybe Jason Berken, but middle relievers don’t get much love).

Middle relievers are failed starters so no, they shouldn’t get rewarded for their failures in life.

It’s like the bassist from Nickelback winning a Grammy because he didn’t suck as badly as his bandmates.
Every team must be represented, so Wigginton and his feel-good story got the nod by default.

Finally someone agrees with me that Mike Kroeger is one of the all-time bassists.  I put him right up there with John Entwistle.

Seriously though.  I place the full blame of Matt Wieters second year issues on the fact that he comes to the plate to Nickleback.  Are they the worst band ever?

Meanwhile, five players who have better numbers and are contributors on winning teams — Paul Konerko, Nick Swisher, Delmon Young, Michael Young and Kevin Youkilis — are battling it out in a fan vote for the final spot on the American League roster.

Aside from Konerko here’s a case why all these guys shouldn’t be on the team:

Nick Swisher – check out his twitter.  He’s a shameless self-promoter and a douche.

Delmon Young – Remember this?

Michael Young – hitter friendly park.  Check out his home/away splits.

Kevin Youkilis – how many more Red Sox do you want on the team?

And while we’re talking about the fan vote, I think it’s a cool gimmick. But they should be picking the 25th best guy in each league instead of the 34th. These rosters are beyond bloated at this point. It’s like the Village People expanding to eight macho, macho men by adding a park ranger, an architect and an optometrist.

Wrong, sir.  I guess you didn’t get the memo that all the starting players are voted in by the fans.  Have you been to a game in person?  They hand out all-star ballots.  Have you used the internet?  There is a website where you can vote.  I’m not linking to it because you need to learn how to use google eventually.

This is the real problem with fan-voted all star teams, in any sport.

Why do you think Ichirio, Jeter, and Big Poopie make the team every year?  Because Asians, Yankee fans, and Red Sox fans out-number real fans by a huge margin.

Fans tune in to the All-Star Game to see baseball’s very best. They want to see players such as A-Rod and Albert Pujols — not obligatory All-Stars like Wigginton.

He might play one inning.  At the most.  If at all.  Sometimes, despite the mangers best efforts, not every player gets in the game.

Besides, you say fans tune in to watch A-Rod and Albie.  I say casual fans do.  I’m an Orioles fan, and I personally want to see an Oriole out-perform Gay-Rod.

Despite the screwed-up system that helped sneak Wigginton into his first All-Star Game, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t ecstatic for him.

Liar.  You might have thought, “good for him” for two seconds and then went back to making things up about sports you don’t know anything about.

And hey, at least he’ll give the Orioles fans, who appreciate his hard work and humility, a thrill at next week’s game — even if it’s for just one at-bat.

He has played for five teams in his nine-year career, including the Orioles, the Pirates and the Rays (before they dropped the “Devil” and their losing ways). This guy has paid his dues.

Wigginton may not deserve to be there, but how could you not root for him?

I thought the whole idea on this post was that you weren’t rooting for him.  Imagine this article in conversation format:

Matt:  Hey Wiggy.  You got in the all-star game.

Wiggin-ton:  I know.  I’m a little shocked!

Matt:  Me too.  You don’t deserve it at all.  In fact, Konerko, the brothers Young, Youkilis, and Swish deserve it more.

Wiggin-ton:  Alright.  Unnecessary.

Matt:  But I’m fucking super pumped for you.  I’ll root for you but only because I live in Baltimore and my coming out of the bandwagon closet is still a few years off when I proclaim I’m a Rays fan!

Wiggin-ton:  Thanks, I guess.


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AATY: Fan of the Game Attempt

Last night, Johnny Eutaw, Tom Ludlow, and I attended the home run derby Orioles – A’s game.  It was a good time.

I expressed my love for Rajai Davis, as he is awesome.

Coco Crisp died, for no reason. We heard the thud from our seats.  It was brutal, again, for no reason.

I also, repeatedly, expressed my agreement with Samuel that Jones should be our All-Star rep as only RBI’s, HR’s, and being good right before the actual game matters.  We’re smart baseball people.  The rest of you are haters.

Then Johnny went hard after the fan of the game.  We really wanted those pretzels.

Alas, the cameras were uncooperative and despite some raucous supporters behind us, he got no Jumbo-time.

He did however get a few compliments on his custom ESH shirt and met the dude who runs 2131 and beyond.  I got a compliment on my shirt, but we don’t sell it…someone else does (you’re welcome).

Here’s a Matt Wieters Fact for you:  More often than not, he grounds meekly to a middle infielder.  Fucker.

Someday we’ll start printing our fabulous ideas on cotton.  Someday.



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