Fuck you, Raul Ibanez.

(Hip) Breaking News

Hey Guys, the Orioles signed Jamie Moyer today.  He is old.  In fact, he might be older than a lot of the fathers of his current Norfolk Tides teammates.  Except JC Romero, Willie Eyre, Joel Pineiro, Miguel Tejada, Brian Roberts, Bill Hall and Nate McLouth.  They are all also old.  Instead of fielding a AAA team it’s like they are trying to field an AARP team down in Norfolk.  Seriously, the average age down there is so old that everyone had to be re-immunized for polio.  But really, when these guys started in the league the main obstacles to reaching the bigs were dysentery and fording the Snake River.

So there it is, get yourself down to Norfolk and catch the exciting Tides baseball club before the inevitable dementia/alzheimers outbreak.

See you at the yard (I’ll borrow Moyer’s bifocals)

~Jjaks Clayton

Trade Target: Chase Headley

Yeah, we don’t write much anymore and I haven’t written in a long time. Come to think of it, it was right around the time I started banging your mother! BOOM!

Anyone who has been watching the Orioles this season knows that 3rd base has been an absolute train wreck defensively. Mark Reynolds clearly has the yips and shits himself whenever a ball is hit in his direction so he isn’t trusted there even when he isn’t hurt. Wilson Betemit is somehow even worse than that.  He has the range of Derek Jeter with hands made of what I believe to be stale bread. Ryan Flaherty looks like he can’t hit himself out of a wet paper bag.  Bill Hall appears to have spent a good portion of the last few months eating other people, and Steve Tolleson is Steve fucking Tolleson.

Endy Chavez Is Really Good

We’ve all heard the age old anecdote “If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all” so here are my thoughts on Endy Chavez:

Baltimore: The City That Reads…Stupid Shit On The Internet (And Loves It)

Hello Baltimore, for the most part when I write here I don’t use foul language but I’ve had enough and some is bound to come out in what follows.  It’s been a while since anyone has written anything in this space.  Most of you probably haven’t noticed because no one reads this thing.  In the sparse history that I have written for this blog I have come to realize that the fact no one reads this blog is, to me, a compliment.   It’s a running joke around here that we don’t get many page views (almost ever) and the Orioles season so far has made me very proud that virtually no one wonders when there will be new content on ESH.  That sounds strange, doesn’t it?  Well, I’ll explain.

So Long J. Guthrie

Over the weekend the Orioles traded starting pitcher Jeremy Guthrie to the Colorado Rockies for pitchers  Jason Hammel and Matt Lindstrom.  This is going to be a different kind of post from me, I promise no stats and no research.  Straight from the heart.

I love baseball and more than that, I love the Orioles.  I am an Orioles fan.  The word fan is just a shortened version of fanatic, which means we are all a little crazy.

World English Dictionary

fanatic  (fəˈnætɪk)
—
1.	a person whose enthusiasm or zeal for something is extreme or beyond normal limits

This Is Birdland, Mr. Gutsy

It was a cold and dreary night in Birdland and the city was under attack from an enemy to the north and his army of followers.  The super villain, Captain Jeterus, was executing his plan to flawless perfection by weakly hitting the citizens of Birdland over and over again.  Not strong enough to actually hurt because of his lack of power, Jeterus chose to dink and dunk Birdlandians into an annoyingly soft submission.  It doesn’t take much these days as the metropolis is full of despair after decades of failure in protecting itself from the two evil empires of the north.  Hungering for help and thirsting for a hero, everyone in Birdland is on their last breath waiting to be saved.  A few have stepped up to join the fight, somewhat heroically, but soon learn that they cannot do it themselves.  Birdland is too far gone, too downtrodden and fractured to be saved by just one man.  In making one final push to save all those who call Birdland home and believe in the thought of good over evil, these are the stories of those men: